Kind of Affected
by Jeanny
Summary: Willow and Kennedy face some bitter truths. (Angel xover, sort of)


Title: Kind of Affected

Author: Jeanny

Rating: PG 

Distribution: Go right ahead, if you like - just let me know. jeannygrrlhotmail.com

Feedback: Always appreciated.

Spoilers: BtVS through Chosen; Angel through Shells.

Disclaimer: Characters are the property of Joss and Mutant Enemy and Fox and...the point is, they're not mine and I make no money doing this.

Summary: Kennedy and Willow face some bitter truths.

"How long are you going to be like this?"

Willow froze, bag in hand. She thought she'd be able to escape this morning without having this conversation. Ideally, without having any conversation with her girlfriend. The accusing tone was far too familiar, as was her answering sigh.

"How am I supposed to answer that?" she replied dully, dropping her bag and turning to face the Slayer. Kennedy was slouched in the bedroom doorframe, bed hair in wild tangles around her face. Willow realized looking at her stained and rumpled clothing that she'd never changed when she got back from patrol last night. The witch hadn't noticed what Kennedy was wearing when she'd collapsed into bed early this morning. She'd been too busy pretending to be asleep. 

Willow knew what the answer to her question would be before Kennedy spoke. With Kennedy it was always the same. 

"The truth."

Willow grimaced. In Kennedy's world that was a simple request. Despite everything they'd been through and seen, somehow the other girl had managed to maintain a kind of black and white view of things that was almost innocent. It made Willow feel old.

"Then I guess the answer is I don't know."

Kennedy nodded grimly, shuffling towards the kitchenette in their tiny Sao Paolo apartment to turn on the coffee maker and pick up a small stack of notebook paper squares. "Could you maybe ballpark it for me? Something short of forever?" She waved the papers at Willow. "Because I'm not your secretary. He's called like a zillion times. I think you should call him back and talk through this. Whatever this is."

The dark-haired girl leaned against the counter, feeling a sense of triumph that she saw the anger flash in her girlfriend's eyes. At least she'd gotten some kind of reaction, an emotional response. The last few weeks had been like living with a breathing mannequin.

"This isn't something that can...Giles is..." Willow turned away, composing herself. Kennedy saw the pain and tightness in the witch's shoulders. She considered how not so long ago when she would have been massaging out those knots without a second thought. She knew her touch wasn't welcome now. When Willow finally spoke her careful control was firmly back in place. "I can't talk about this now. If I don't leave soon I'll miss my bus."

She lifted her bag. In frustration Kennedy threw the stack of messages at Willow, causing the witch to flinch in surprise. In a blur of movement Kennedy placed herself in front of the door, cutting off Willow's escape. The papers drifted down around the two of them like big square pink snowflakes as Kennedy met her girlfriend's astonished gaze.

"Forget the bus. There'll be another one." 

"Kennedy, are you trying to piss me off?" Willow asked flatly. "Because, you know, good job. I can't think of another way to say this. I don't want to talk-"

"Yeah, yeah, you don't want to talk about anything. To anyone. Least of all me. Too bad. I don't think you're being fair to Giles. Or me, since I'm the one who's caught in the middle," Kennedy finished, crossing her arms over her chest sulkily. Willow's eyes widened in incredulity.

"Caught in the...? God, this has nothing to do with you, Kennedy, and you know it!" she spat, throwing her bag down hard enough to cause the brunette Slayer to wince at the sudden display of anger. Kennedy knew it wasn't a good idea to push the witch too far, how even now the controlling of her power was a near constant struggle, but she couldn't help herself. Willow's next words were as painful as any magical assault would have been. "Not everything is about you."

Kennedy gave her a hurt look then turned away. "Then why haven't you touched me since you got back?" she asked quietly. The pain and confusion in her voice deflated Willow's fury and replaced it with guilt.

"I...I have...I mean, we have..." she fumbled. Kennedy cut her off with an impatient wave.

"No. We haven't. And I've been patient, I think. For me, anyway. I've tried to give you space, because I know that you're upset about getting into it with Giles and all that drama around Angel. And your friend's death." Kennedy's voice trembled slightly on the two words and Willow shook her head guiltily.

"She's not...I mean, she wasn't my friend. I didn't know her that well," she disclaimed vaguely. Then her eyes flashed as she added firmly, "But I know she was a good person. They all are, Angel's people. Giles should have let me help them."

"Okay, first of all, when this all went down you were in Tibet. On another physical plane, no less. How was he supposed to get a hold of you?" Kennedy asked reasonably enough. Willow covered her face with her hands for a moment, then pulled them back to massage her own temples. A dull ache was starting to beat a rhythm that was becoming all too familiar, and she was looking at the cause. _//Go away. Just go away.// _She knew she really wasn't being fair to Kennedy, but she couldn't help but feel exasperated as her girlfriend finished, "And even if he had, Giles didn't know anything about what was happening until this demon god thing did what it did. It was too late. What could you have done?"

"I don't know!" Willow admitted. "But I have a lot of power. And Fred's death wasn't natural. I could have done something. And at the very least Giles could have consulted me, that's the point! Instead he just decided for all of us that we can't get involved."

"Because Angel's team, including your friend," and this time Kennedy emphasized the word, "are working for the bad guys now, and therefore are not our problem. Hell, even Buffy said-"

"Buffy didn't know her!" Willow cried. "Fred was..." Willow swallowed hard, feeling her face turn crimson under her girlfriend's knowing and jealous gaze.

"Fred was what, Willow? What was she? More to the point, what was she to you?"

"Nothing!" Willow . The word seemed to hang in the air between them, until Kennedy made a sound, half-laugh, half-sob, that broke the silence.

"Try again. Try the truth. Like what happened between you two when you went to L.A. on your little soul-searching mercy mission."

"You don't have to say it like that. It wasn't a vacation, or a lark," Willow defensively rejoined, bristling at the other girl's derisive tone. "It was fighting off malevolent forces and working serious mojo. I had to break a mystically protected vessel. Not to even mention restoring Angel's soul, which let me tell you takes a lot of juice. Fred...and...and Wesley, too...they helped me a lot. If it wasn't for them we'd still have Angelus, and trust me, that would have been a bad thing." Willow watched as Kennedy poured herself a cup of coffee, her skepticism plain in her expression. The redhead shrugged helplessly. "I don't get why you want to go over and over this. I've told you everything that happened." 

"And nothing you told me even comes close to explaining why you're so upset about what happened to a girl you met for - what? - a day, who means nothing to you. So upset that you're pushing me away."

__

//She's not the only reason,// Willow thought before a wave of guilt made her shake her head. She hated having all these terrible thoughts about the woman she was supposed to love. "I'm not pushing...I don't mean to push you away." 

Kennedy hid her astonishment at her girlfriend's almost apologetic tone. She walked over to Willow, taking a chance and gathering the older girl into a hug. To her amazement Willow didn't pull away as had been the norm of late, instead laying her head on the brunette's shoulder and closing her eyes. The headache was throbbing bright and brutal behind Willow's eyes now, and she felt immensely tired. 

"Just let me help, baby. Tell me about her."

Willow immediately pulled out of the embrace as if suddenly realizing what she was doing, wrapping her arms around herself instead. Kennedy watched her with silent expectation as Willow paced the tiny room.

"Fine. She was special. Is that what you want to hear?" Willow finally replied. "I didn't need to know her for more than a day to see that Fred was really...special. But there was nothing between us, at least not like you think. I told her about you, that I was committed to you. I would never...nothing happened."

Kennedy nodded slowly. "But you thought about it. You wanted something to happen. You never stopped thinking about it, wondering what it would have been like, being with her," she accused softly. Willow looked away, biting her lip as the Slayer continued gently, "Willow, I promise you I'll understand. I can help you get through this. Just tell me the truth."

Willow knew Kennedy meant what she said. She also knew that whether she was honest about her feelings for Fred or not, it would remain something between them as long as they were together. The thing was, Willow wasn't sure how much longer that should be. She could picture herself fifty years from now being with and still in being in love with Tara. She could see herself with Fred in that kind of fuzzy blue-haired future. Or with Oz. With Xander, even. Somehow she could never even imagine that kind of future with Kennedy. 

Willow studied her girlfriend, sitting there awaiting her response with an encouraging, heartbreakingly hopeful smile. Willow had to believe she'd loved her, that she hadn't been using her for comfort all this time. She believed some part of her must love Kennedy still or this all wouldn't be so hard. She thought back to the beginning of their relationship. That crazy time had been so chaotic and difficult with all the S.I.T.s to protect and the First dogging them; there was no time to take stock of her feelings then. Kennedy had been there for her, for comfort and for sex and for all kinds of support; Willow would always be grateful for that. But deep in Willow's mind and heart Tara was always there. Tara and comparisons between her two girlfriends where Kennedy rarely came out on top. And even deeper down, Fred...

Willow made her decision.

"No. I never felt that way about Fred. I think she just reminded me of, um, me. She reminded me of a me that I used to be when I was younger, more innocent. I wanted to...protect that in her. So her death...it makes sense that it kind of affected me. But that's all this is." 

It was so plausible, the lie. It sounded sincere to Willow's own ears, but she knew Kennedy would know it for what it really was. She knew that after she left today, Kennedy would call Giles. Willow suspected later today she'd return to an empty apartment, probably a note. It was better this way. Better that she wouldn't have to keep sneaking around to find out all she could about Illyria without Giles or anyone else knowing. Better to go to those darker places where she could find the magicks needed to reconstitute a soul. Where she could learn what she needed to know to build her long-term future.

"I guess I understand," Kennedy said, and she wasn't lying. Willow could tell by how she slumped in her chair, hands wrapped around her coffee cup, every part of her screaming defeat, edged with a bit of relief. This hadn't been easy for her, either, Willow thought compassionately, able to be magnanimous now that the die had been cast. 

"Thanks. I hope we can put this behind us and move on," Willow replied. 

They both knew that this time, her words were true.


End file.
